I find myself in that situation again. That mind numbing, teeth pulling, cold sweaty time when once again, gasp...I HAVE TO WRITE A CV!
The Curriculum Vitae has been the bane of my life since I was first introduced to its heinous form in college (read Sixth Form. College works better in terms of flow). The first CV I ever wrote was actually a gem of its kind, a sparkling, witty piece of poetry that I held so dear until my teacher said that it was too...let me see if I can remember...ah yes, too me.
A CV called for cold hard ADVERTISEMENT of one's skills and personality, not some exercise in frilly penmanship!
I was crushed. I had to hide away all that I was, all that made me me, be it squawking like a chicken to embarrass my sister while we strolled along the pavement, or staring off into the distance as I held up traffic on a zebra crossing. I had to describe myself using "normal" words, "normal" phrases. I had to sound "normal", and neglect to mention the MOST-LIKELY-TO-END-UP-IN-A-MENTAL-INSTITUTION certificate I was awarded by my peers (once railed against, now cherished. The certificate I mean not the peers).
Give us another reason to hate the Curriculum Vitae oh wise one, I hear you ask?
Does anyone else feel affronted at the mere mention of advertising one's abilities? FIE! One should merely sweep grandly into any establishment and demand employment! One's employer should bow and kiss one's feet in thanks that we should deign to grace their tills and cookers! Barbershop quartets should sing us through our work as we pack boxes and plaster scraped knees!
But no. Apparently in the "real world" we are the ones that should be thankful for employment, THE LITTLE PEOPLE WHO MAKE YOUR LIVES RUN LIKE GREASED BLOODY CLOCKWORK!!!!
Ahem, apologies. I really don't like writing CVs :(